[fn] version 6/27/18: 

I want to take you apart so that I can put you back together again I wish that I had more hands I wish that I were Steven Hawking I understand that the universe is both to big and Too small my hands are powerful and yet I am week what is my character made out character and so many meanings I think when you disassemble things have to take your time hey This is saying when you’re building something that you really want we always know what we really want we just know that we want the end result to perfect and perfect is different for everyone not not just acceptable the Standards continue to change just want I thinking Man you want something complete maybe like a mirror image I don’t think we picture it and advance but if because arise we close our eyes I think it’s there always saved like it was in our minds

we dont have to fix everything

 

•  •  •

 

‘fixed’ from the fn [fn] version: 7/7/18

 

I want to take you apart

so that I can put you back together again

I wish that I had more hands

I wish that I were Steven Hawking

I understand that the universe is both too big and Too Small

my hands are powerful and yet

I am weak

what is my character made out of

what even is character

what i mean is

character has so many meanings

 

I think when you disassemble things

you have to take your time

Just the same as when you’re building something

and we may not always know what we really want

we just know that we want the end result to be perfect

and what is perfect – perfect is a funny concept too

perfect is different for everyone

who is ok with “acceptable”

no one wants acceptable – but the Standards continue to change

we want something complete.

maybe like a mirror image-

I don’t think we  picture it in advance

but if we close our eyes I think it’s there

always saved, like it was imprinted in our minds

 

we don’t have to fix everything

 

a mental cleansing; a quickly forgotten edit.

Just The Ideal of It

Idealizing moments made perfect by memory
desiring again
based on our
time capsule minds
by nature, imperfect

– – – 1 – – –
ice cream and hot dogs in summer
in the sun
by the water
even that; wait
until you feel
the burn
hours after
you quickly forget the
taste of the food or
the splash of the cool
or the screams
of delight.
bright green aloe
is just sticky
and you are hot and cold
all at once

– – – 2 – – –
the idea of breakfast
seems like a perfect meal
to eat at any time of day
just the thought of a diner
conjurs the smell of waffles
syrup and bacon
forgetting how
grease lingers on
your clothes and
how heavy and tired you
feel after
and there were no greens
and you always overpay if
you go out
and it’s really better with a group
in the middle of the night
and there is a lot of clean up at home and
no one wants to cook bacon at home
and bacon is kind of gross
but the idea of it
is so nice

-3-3-3-
kissing
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
oh how I think I would like
to be kissed
doesn’t it seem nice?
maybe it’s because it has been a long time
since someone kissed me and meant it
but like “i love you” and “thank you” and “bless you” and those kinds of phrases
over time
it becomes routine
obligation
but what we idealize
is that
first
time

can anything ever
compare?
and was it as good
as we thought
as we held our breaths
overthinking — or not thinking
and losing that moment in time
so desirous
so perhaps, it never
even happened

it would seem that if
we look at it like this, maybe
we want things that
don’t even
exist

all these volumes , unbound.
having strange ideas and familiar memories and prophetic visions
many brunches before, cut berries in drinks, to cool poolside chats and sip up grandiose patio schemes…

now caught tripping inbetween dreams

thoughts, 3a:

old men discussing
iphone logins at
waffle house
it dawned on me that
diners are the original
place to do business
under the table
middle of the night
quiet, no one is paying any mind
to them/you/me/us
so read your furry love novels
dirty secrets stay
here
old men, always
a little racist
and country boys who
love god and guns and
might be gay
embarrassed to be seen out
on a date
but after hours
over pancakes
well
that is just

breakfast

Another day

She entered the room.

bloop

the machine powered up, awake. aware of her

today it looked like her face in a mirror. she only liked the way she looked ten percent of the time, ninety percent of her life.

to face yourself like this with all your flaws

immediately she wanted to turn away but she wanted to love herself too

in the background she could hear adults laughing

she turned inward

why are you sad today

the machine said to her

and then it powered down and she was in a room that was totally empty and she was alone with her thoughts

she remembered that she had some dreams the previous night that felt powerful and symbolic and long

but she could barely remember them now. they seemed vaguely positive she was angry she hadnt gotten up earlier to record and address them but shed been so, so tired lately. emotional exhaustion

so why was she sad

she was doing the thing she had been brought here to do, she thought

she sat in the empty room with her eyes open

looking blankly at the vacant space, focusing inward

she couldnt hear the adults laughing anymore

she could hear children screaming, but they were not afraid

and she was not afraid

she tried to find her frequency,but

machine like

her throat clicked. she started to cry. these tears lubricated the mechanism. allowing her to find it. humming.

she was glad she had stayed-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. — — — — — :

 

. — — — — — :

 

. — — — — — :

 

 

after a while she couldn’t tell if the humming was coming from her or if the machine had regained consciousness. hard swallow. dry tears, salt. shaken

 

yes, it is time to go

/end program

they say admitting
is the first step

well of course
you have to go through admissions
before you gain entry
anywhere
dont you

well
and what are we admitting to anyway

admit
addiction
admit
one
admit
feelings
admit
defeat
admit
the
truth

omit
submit
remit

admit it

belittle
the cripple
who cant
quite
get the words out
what a lack of wit
thought you had it
but you lost it

can you get it back
before you forfeit

find out if youve got a ticket
in your back pocket, electronic wallet
eves apple
maybe its there
check again, touch
the ether to gain
the ultimate admission
to the
infinite
kingdom

before i left i was afraid.

i continue to let that fall away.

. . .and so in resilience, in silent moments, in stretches of nocturnal road, where there is no cell signal, nothing but ourselves, we find strength. we are beckoned from a voice within, beyond. between. we raise our hands to the stars. we dance in darkness. we lift ourselves through the fear.

we land somewhere, mindset, mind state.

this world is too small

to hide

from our truths

were you always here?